Say it with Style

I have always been a plain Jane and I have always believed that I don't owe prettiness to anyone. That might have been one of the reasons why my dressing style was never sassy. Many of my friends complained about me dressing down to look older than my age. But then in my skin, I didn't mind being the un-stylish and ugly science researcher. Whose preferred to sweat it out at the laboratory rather than spending a fortune at the stores. Another reason could be that I defied male attention to be on the safer side. 

Wisdom dawned on me on an evening at a coffee store when I happened to meet an old acquaintance who had got divorced in the near past. And surprisingly rather than raking over the coals of a fire that had burnt her, she was dressed to kill. And that made me wonder, if I was loosing out on something in life. Colours and patterns that could add a dash of spice to your life, was the thing I was wanting.

I decided to head straight to the mall and set a forest fire to my wallet. That big hole all the shopping would leave in my pocket didn't seem to itch. 

For a woman on the wrong side of twenties, as they say, style had to sensible and at the same time chic. I invested in a lot of dresses and colourful kurtis. I decided to also give up on the old boring checks and stripes I had and went in for two classy business suits for presentations. Despite this u-turn in my taste and touch of perceiving fashion, I still stay away from saris and ghagra cholis and all such dresses that can make you trip and fall. Having welcomed a riot of colours in my wardrobe set in motion my journey of style.

My style is still very sober and intelligent. Although the arrival of colours has livened up the chest of costumes. I prefer dresses and tops in blended colours to black and white shirts now. My shoes still don't rest very high from the earth. Not more than half an inch of heels for me. I love flats and especially gladiator sandles.

Now what needs shingling are my bangs. 2014 might have arrived to decide how I must wear my hair to not look boring. Let's see what I discover in this journey of style this year.

Relationship tips for a believer in Gender Equality

Relationships are the best teachers. Only if you are willing to learn.
People come and go and they leave you with lessons. A relationship heading south and finally becoming history is a tough task master.
It bends and breaks you, until giving up on it is the last resort. Even then we are left with a thousand questions when a loved one bids farewell.
Why did it have to end? Who's mistake is it? Who tried to sweeten the pot filled with venom?
Such questions plague our mind for quite a while. We either take the high road and call it quits amicably. Or we draw some bad blood and stage a drama to get them back.
My last break up was in September. The second relationship I ever had in life ended much like the first one. It struck like lightening, the truth. Since it didn't take him more than three weeks to take a decision about us. When he took a decision the "us" parted ways as "I" and "him". Though we didn't date each other since the two countries we lived in, didn't give us many opportune moments to meet, I remember him for always admiring me for being a self respecting woman. And I hallucinated, building my castle of dreams with his half baked words.
I do not hold him responsible for going away and taking a decision that didn't have me. I also do not want to point fingers at myself for not dancing to his tunes.
When it ended, of course I was left gaping in the sky. The reasons may have been varied, many of which won't even make sense. It took me one and half months to bounce back.
And that was the time when contemplation told me of a lot of things.
For a self respecting woman who calls herself a feminist loudly and clearly, relationships aren't a piece of cake. And then in aggressively patriarchal societies like India, it is not child's play, to find a beau.
What can a woman like you and me, possibly expect ourselves to be, when we look for our other half. I thought I'll write down those pointers somewhere and this is what made sense to me.

1) Never give up on your basic principles in life. Even if that means, sharing the housework or cooking, stick to it. Life shouldn't change for a woman because she got married.
2) If you do not want to change your surname, just hang on to that decision. It isn't a legal necessity as many perceive it to be. Talk it out, your decision to keep your paternal surname much like your brother. If you do not want to hyphenate it, please do not.
And if you want to change to a new surname, please go ahead. It is your name, after all.
3) Keep your job and do not under any circumstances, try to give it up, because you are expected to do so for the husband's career. Earning your own money is the first sign of liberation for many women. And having your own money will be your only umbrella on a rainy day.
4) A joint account sounds like a very romantic idea. But your own money must be handled by you. Maintain a separate account other than your salary account, and put up a bit as an investment. Invest in a savings account, or shares or mutual funds. Or if you plan to buy a house along with him, get the papers written in your name making you an equal owner of the property. If something goes amiss, you will have proofs to tell him about your share in the investment.
5) If you have decided to move on with him to his place of work,  or to his birth place, along with his parents. Make sure that you have a few friends to lean on to. Friends you know from college or school or workplace. Friends who know you more than knowing him.
Yes, it is a very mushy idea to call his friends yours, but if your ship starts sinking, no one but your own friends would be there to help you. It may not be a very great idea to expect his friends to understand your side of the story.
Re-locating to a new place that is new for you as well as him, is the best idea for women like us.
6) Have a kid only if you want to. You didn't come on earth to birth babies. If you do not need them, announce your decision to him, before you enter into a marriage.
7) Do not let your mother-in-law be the decider of your destiny. Hold the strings of your life in your own hands. Everything from managing your finances to the decision of having kids, to the smallest of decisions should be yours and his. Do not let any member of the family like your mother-in-law or sister-in-law pull the strings for you.
8) Always have time for a hobby and if possible indulge in an activity that interests both of you. A friend of mine was recently showing me the pictures of her kitchen garden. I was happy to learn that her husband was contributing equally to the cause of bringing up a garden.
9) Keep in touch with your family. Talk to them whenever you can, and if possible everyday. Also, stay in touch with your siblings. Living in the same city as them would be of great advantage. Else atleast make sure, to not let the chords of your relationship be broken.
10) Place yourselves before anyone. Remember, if you can't love yourself, you may never be able to love anyone else. Aim for a relationship that doesn't put you at a lower pedestal. 
In case, of abuse of any kind, try to talk to him and if that doesn't work after a warning or two, just walk out. Nothing is more important than your or your self-esteem. Being a woman shouldn't take away the sense of importance from you.


Yes, relationships are tough and we all learn a lot from them. Getting the permutations and combinations right, isn't always that easy. But that doesn't mean that you have to adjust more and fall on your knees to make it work, because you happen to be a woman and a wife. 
A fallen relationship should teach you to rise and not fall deeper into it. The trick is to move on, and look for a self-respecting human who exactly knows what it is to respect another individual.
Relationships complete an individual. We must strive to look for a person, who will be our best companion for life, and a relationship that is an equal partnership. It is the boat of life, that needs two people to oar at the either sides to keep the balance.

Quoting a Real life Acid Attack Victim

Today was a tiring and dusty day. Despite this the day was a learning lesson. I boarded the metro train from Vishwavidyalaya that was to terminate at the Huda City centre. Since the train flags off from there, there is no dearth of seats and I lazily happened to find one. After about three stations, two girls got in. One may have been in her early twenties. The other one sat a seat away from me due to which I didn't bother to look at her. A little later as I opened my eyes from a forced slumber, I could see the women seated in front staring tirelessly at a person seated on my seat. Initially I didn't care two hoots about it but later when I saw at the glass enclosure opposite me, I saw a partially disfigured face. I was taken aback. When I peeped with the left corner of my eye, as intently as a detective, I saw a woman with a half burnt face. The skin on the left side of her face seemed to have melted to acid. A few fingers from her left hand were also missing. My sixth sense told me that she may have been an acid attack victim. As soon as the aunty in black saree got off, I decided to have a word with her. And skid to the seat next to her. She was aghast because she was expecting her friend to sit on the vacant seat. I apologized while trying to wear an innocent expression. I asked for two minutes of her time to which she didn't refuse. Below is a written transcript of our translated conversation where in I use the initials 'R' for myself and 'H' to address her.

R: "Will you permit me to write your story?"
H: "Are you a story writer? Why do you want to make me famous?"
R: "No I am a blogger and a not so famous story writer and poet." H: "What do you want to know?"
R:"Your story if you want to tell me"
H: "I am an acid attack victim as you are seeing. My ex-boyfriend attacked me when I decided to not put up with his obssesiveness. Rest is history. My parents tried to get me treated but this is the best Indian doctors offered me. I want to go abroad for re-constructive surgery and I am saving up for it." R: "I see that you are wearing a very pretty top. Suits you well."
H: "Thank you. Yes I don't like to hide my scars."
R: "Yes I see that and I am inspired by your guts. What drives you?"
H: "Life. It goes on."

I was jaw dropped at her words of wisdom, my eyes popped out in amazement. That is when a lady's voice interrupted us reminding her of the next station they had to get down at. We parted with a polite farewell. As she was getting down she thanked me for trying to know her story. As I saw her melt in the crowd, I pondered at the lovely lesson those three words she uttered in the end, taught me. Indeed, life goes on!

Parsimony

Famished farms
crack open to bury
the bodies of feeble cattle
water won't soak
the homes of earthworms
this summer
only tears till them
gaping at a blue sky
cleaved by chopper chants
from where you watch,
writing it off as 
forged fiction.

When refugees flee
from homes
sleeping on streets with unknown names
your flesh memorizes
the velvet touch of blankets
you bought on your
last Swiss trip.

When girls get punished 
for owning frail bodies
tattooed in fear
your daughters take vows
borrowed from ancient acronyms,
their dowry comes from
chewing into the bellies
of the bloated.

Where bodies get burnt
in lands bruised by barbed borders
you are ferried in bullet proof cars
tinted by shame.

When onions and tomatoes
melt in dark dungeons
your mouth ajar in gluttony
feed from silver plates
stripped off melting bones.

When you throw tantrums
and sell slogans 
for fatter paychecks
the construction worker
bows his head
to his master
wearing a bead of sweat.

You and the hundred tongues
in which you beg for votes
doesn't tempt the seeker,
your pot of lies is full
and it will drown you
the day the poor voter
signs a decree
that will break the legs of the throne
you have been coveting
to trade for a mouthful of black lies.

Family Grave

Peas of the same pod

leaves of the same branch

yet brothers mock at each other

with closed fists,

and cockeyed curses

sister-in-laws re-write

rule books, sometimes

careful conversations

show the writing on the  wall

ambitious agendas aim to augur peace

others are two edged-swords.

Female foeticide in India and the PCPNDT act

Pre-Conception and Pre-Natal diagnostic test act is a federal legislation enacted by the Parliament of India to stop female foeticide and arrest the declining sex ratio in India.
It also banned pre-natal sex determination before and after conception, that was employed to detect genetic abnormalities or chromosomal abnormalities or metabolic disorders or congenital malformations or sex linked disorders.
Pre-Natal Diagnostic techniques (Regulation and Prevention of Misuse act) 1994 (PNDT) was amended in 2003 to Pre-conception and Pre-Natal Diagnostic Techniques (Prohibition of Sex Selection act) PCPNDT to improve the regulation of technology employed in sex selection. 

It is estimated that more than 10 million female foetuses have been illegally aborted in India. Researchers for the Lancetjournal based in Canada and India stated that 500,000 girls were have gone missing through every year through the annual sex-selective abortions. 

It is a notorious problem in Gujarat and the North Indian states, which according to census data have an alarmingly low ratio of female children. Certain castes regularly practiced female infanticide and later female foeticide. The castes with a much lower proportion of female children to male children included Lewa patidars and the Rajputs in Gujarat; Jats, rajputs, Khutris and royal Brahmins in undivided Punjab, Rajputs and Gujars in the Uttar Pradesh.

The Act though strongly put on paper, is no good in acting as a deterrent. The problem has a cultural connection with the dowry system, which is ingrained in the Indian culture, existing as "bride wealth" or "gifts". It had been prohibited under the Dowry prohibition act since 1961, but all thanks to the myopia in the society, it continues to thrive. 

A very famous case from urban India that shook the country was that of Mitu Khurana who was tricked into sex determination by her doctor husband. Her in-laws then wiled her into having eggs, which she was allergic to, thereby she was hospitalized. They then forced her to abort the twin girls she was carrying. It was shocking to hear about the officials callousness who advised her to abort the twin girls and give them a son, so that her life and youth aren't wasted. 

In 1992, Nobel laureate Amartya Sen estimated that 37 million women had already ‘gone missing’ in India till 1986. Contrast that with the total number of ongoing cases under PCPNDT in the country (till September 2011) — a mere 1,040. No wonder that 28 of the 35 States and Union Territories have 0 convictions (till September 2011). Even the ones that secured convictions stand dismaly at: Chandigarh – 1, Rajasthan, Delhi, Gujarat – 4 each, Maharashtra – 18, Punjab – 23, Haryana – 29.

India’s child sex ratio (0-6 years) has declined from 945 in 1991 to 927 in 2001 and now to the lowest since independence: 914 females per 1,000 males in 2011. But the total number of ultrasound machines seized/sealed (till September 2011) stands at just 869. The individual figures for states are more disturbing. Not a single ultrasound machine has been sealed or seized in Delhi, one of three worst states (other two being Punjab and Haryana) in the 2011 Census, with a child sex ratio of 866 girls per 1,000 boys in 2011. Why does sex determination still thrive?

Dr. Sabu George one of the people who filed the pil because of which the PCPNDT was passed says that since it is a profitable deal for a doctor, therefore they propagate it. The client in most cases makes an individual choice or budges to the family pressure, because of which such cases go unreported and there is no conviction. According to a doctor from Mumbai, the greed factor is so ravenous that they forget the Hippocratic oath they take and forget the nobility of the profession they are in. Depending on demand, an ultra sound test can be charged somewhere between 1,500-10,000 which otherwise has a meagre cost of Rs.400.

The second issue is the lack of administrative and judicial accountability. Since the concerned officials never turn up on a call, the cases get lost and with no one to question, the issue gets brushed under the carpet.

District officials also have a hand, in the laxity in implementing the PNDT act. Ignorance and lack of awareness in maintaining unregistered machines had led to the eruption of the menace. Most often authorities let them off for a fine, which propagates the menace.

Close monitoring of the sale of second-hand or re-assembled machines and banning of portable ultrasounds will come into force soon.

India’s prime minister acknowledges gendercide as a national shame, however, the police and judiciaries do not implement the law because they belong to the same school of thought. Authorities often let the unlawful parents and doctors off with little or no punishment which doesn't curb the menace. Often, when the mothers disobey the husband’s family decision to abort the female foetus and bring it to the light of the authorities, the suits are ignored or given a light sentence. The mother is targeted for bearing girls and disobeying the family’s decision to do away with the girl child. She may even lose her job, be exposed to constant death threats, and may be victimized by the long and tiring judicial process thereafter . In many places in India, women who give birth to girls are prone to violence. Even if she is able to bring the baby girls into the world, their birth goes unreported and in many cases they are also  murdered.

It is amusing to note that despite having made rapid advancements in technology, the society is lurking in the darkness of a ancient age, that can't see its women eye to eye. 

With the tens of corruption cases against the UPA, this one also adds up. In having added the fuel to the fire that has been burning the society, lack of conviction and the indifference to an evil spreading its paws. It only shows the shortsightedness of the government and how its unethical practices have exploited the helplessness of thousands of female foetuses that may haven't seen the light of the day, violating a woman's right to live.

Not needing the Male privilege

In places like India, male privilege is a necessity for survival. Since patriarchy is ingrained in the traditions and customs most of which are the burdens borne by women. What is amusing is the way the women follow the patriarchal traditions and customs in the name of 'choices' and give more fodder for patriarchy to grow.
A startling example of male privilege as observed on my facebook wall is a trend of status updates that I have observed when a female friend gets married. The first thing she does is to either switch to her husband's surname as it happens in much of India or take up his first name as is the norm in a few South Indian societies. And update her user name on facebook.
Interestingly, I have always itched to ask them as to how does that make sense? Is it a public display of affection or a sign of bowing to the privilege that a husband's surname or first name gets her in the society. Again many women may want to dismiss my school of thought and label it as a choice.
But, my question here is how many men have hyphenated their surnames or taken up the wife's surname, to part with the identity that his father gave him at birth.